3 Tips for Giving Feedback
Giving feedback is uncomfortable. This is a universal truth. It doesn’t matter if I’m talking to a brand-new leader or a seasoned leader who has climbed the ranks over decades - almost everyone feels that feeling in the pit of their stomach when they have to give feedback. Tough feedback. You know, the kind of feedback we sometimes label as “constructive criticism”. It feels hard because it is hard. It probably won’t ever feel easy - do you want it to feel easy? I think if I got to the point where giving tough feedback felt easy, I’d be worried I wasn’t being me anymore, that I wasn’t caring enough about the other person. And that’s truly why we give the feedback, or should be why, because we care.
If you don’t read any further take these 3 tips away with you now:
-> Clear is kind
-> People need to feel they belong
-> Your feedback should be about the action not the person
-> Don’t try to sneak the hard stuff in between some grasped at compliments
It’s not lost on me that’s 4 items not 3. I couldn’t help myself. Consider it a bonus. 3 (+ a bonus) tips for giving feedback.
Let me start with a story about Rumi (not her real name). Rumi was a leader working at Widgets Inc. (also not the company’s real name) for many years. Working hard. I’ll add here too before I go too far - you might think you know who this is, you might think this is you - I’ve coached many leaders from various organizations, and I can tell you this is not a unique story. It’s such a common story.
Ok so Rumi was a seasoned leader who’d worked hard year after year at Widgets Inc. and aspired to climb the corporate ladder. One day another “next level” leadership role is open for competition. Rumi prepared her resume, wrote a thoughtful and applicable covering letter, connected with the hiring leader, reached out to the recruiter. Did all the things. Afterall, this wasn’t the first time Rumi had tossed her hat into the Recruitment Ring. In fact, this was her third try at a promotion. She reviewed previous feedback and recalled previous interview questions and her answers. Tweaked some, scrapped others, collected new & robust examples to bring forward. She asked trusted colleagues to practice with her and critique her prepared answers. She was ready. You probably already know where this is going. Rumi was not successful. Again. She was devastated. She reached out for feedback from the hiring leader and was told “you did great! However, we have gone with a different candidate.” She asked what she could have done differently. “Oh nothing, no, we just went with someone else.” Rumi was shocked. Rumi’s colleagues weren’t shocked. Rumi’s current leader wasn’t shocked, because while Rumi appears to try hard, Rumi had been missing the mark in several areas. For years! The leader knew it. The colleagues knew it. The hiring leader knew it. Rumi seemed to be the one who didn’t know it. Yes, there is absolutely something to be said here about self-awareness but that’s another blog post…
Back to this topic - feedback, Rumi had never been told - in a way that she could clearly hear and understand - what she was missing the mark on. What she needed to develop if she ever hoped to realize her desire to move to that next level of leadership. It’s hard to tell someone they may not be cut out for that next level of leadership! Who wants to crush someone’s dream? It’s hard to tell people the way they are conducting team meetings leaves staff feeling unheard, unseen and frustrated because it’s hard to see hurt on someone’s face. It’s hard to see their disappointment in themselves.
Without clear, direct feedback Rumi doesn’t know what she needs to work on. When given clear and supportive feedback Rumi is given choice! Choice to carve out a plan for growth, choice to set her mind and path toward being ready someday, choice to find contentment and focus on her current role, even choice to do nothing at all. That’s choice. When Rumi’s leader chose not to give the true feedback, time and again, because it was uncomfortable, unpleasant, hard, she took Rumi’s choice, tucked it deep into her own pocket and walked away with it!
The reality is it is hard. It’s uncomfortable. In that, my mouth has gone dry, and my voice feels shaky kinda way! But it is one of your leadership responsibilities to give feedback, in a way that is unmistakably clear to the other party. So how can we make it easier on you and on the person receiving it? In my executive coaching session, leaders have told me they can’t sleep the night before a tough conversation. Sometimes they start out well but when faced with emotional reactions the conversation goes sideways quickly and they’re not sure how to recover.
Preparedness is key. How can you do that? Here are 3 (+ a bonus) tips for giving feedback:
Clear is Kind
Straight from Brene Brown. Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Well, there you have it - if you aren’t being clear, you are being unkind. Unkind is no way to give tough feedback. Rumi should not walk away feeling like she just missed that job. She should know exactly what 1, 2 or 3 things she needs to be working on. In fact, she should have known well prior to applying to that job so I’ll provide examples of performance feedback rather than recruitment feedback. Why is Rumi the only one not clear on why Rumi isn’t moving up in her career?
People need to feel they belong
In The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle shared a very successful approach to feedback. In the example the leader said, “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”. The standards have been set, and I’m part of the group who can meet them! So back to Rumi, Rumi needs to feel she is part of a group; the group is special (we have high standards); and her leader believes she can reach those standards.
Your feedback should be about the action not the person
This ^ Rumi can’t change Rumi. What are the actions she needs to work on. What areas does she need to put energy into?
pulled together this might sound like:
“Rumi, I see you are pulling the team together weekly to build team cohesion, what I’m seeing/hearing is not all of the team is feeling heard or listened to by you. You’re a high performing team with some big projects. I know you are capable of correcting and building connection. What have you been noticing during the meetings that aligns with that feedback? What thoughts do you have on how you can increase team engagement?”
Rumi is part of a team. The team has a lot of important work in front of them. Rumi’s leader knows Rumi has the ability to get things back on track. Rumi’s leader is checking in with Rumi on what they heard and importantly isn’t blaming Rumi or calling out her personality. Rumi’s leader isn’t solving this for her, she asks Rumi for ideas on how she can grow in this area.
But what if it goes south and Rumi gets upset, denies, or cries? My question to you: What do you need to feel comfortable holding space for that? Holding space means staying silent and being with Rumi while she feels her feelings and expresses herself. What will be different if you can remain curious? Have your facts. Your clear, belonging statement about the action. Repeat it when there is uncertainty. And when you are met with defense you can ask “What’s coming up for you right now?” “I’m experiencing you being defended; what story are you telling yourself about yourself with this feedback?”. Most importantly, listen. Quietly. Your job here is to help Rumi process, to feel. Your goal is not to help her feel better. She’s got that. And she’ll feel supported when she feels you are comfortable sitting in that space with her. It’s hard to be in a space with someone who is crying and not say whatever you think will stop the tears, but I urge you - don’t do that. Grow into being comfortable just sitting there with them. Holding that space for them. It’s huge.
Don’t try to sneak the hard stuff in between some grasped at compliments
I’ll just leave this bonus here. No one wants to have criticism couched between compliments. It feels gross. It feels disingenuous and it truly isn’t making it easier.
